So yesterday in therapy we talked about the darkness and the light. We talked about how life has both, needs both, to balance the other out. The reason we were talking about this is because I have been in a bit of a lull. A period of calm you might say. With the exception of feeling a little melancholy here and there I’ve had mostly good days.
I’ve written about this before in a slightly different context. It is in these times that I find I can’t enjoy myself too much. I can’t relax too much. To let my guard down that way would be dangerous and ill advised. It is hard to accept that things are okay without feeling that the other shoe could drop at any moment. Of course, this all fits in with the PTSD and so, is somewhat inherently part of my makeup. But what my therapist would like me to try and realize is that I don’t need to waste the okay times anticipating the bad. The bad will come eventually whether I am prepared for it or not. So why not just relax and basque in the glow of happiness without judgement?
That’s where the DBT skills come into play as well. Being mindful, present, doing one thing in the moment. Filling up my time with pleasurable activities and being mindful of what exactly this emotion is. I guess I truly am learning a few things in DBT. I still don’t believe it’s the be all and end all that some chalk it up to being but it does have some useful ideas. I guess really I’m a fan of anything I can do to keep out of the hospital.
I know that many, if not most DID people have been in and out of the hospital at least a couple of times. I’ve been close to being admitted a couple of times myself but in those moments of evaluation I was able to pull it together enough to receive outpatient care instead. Being put in the hospital terrifies me. I don’t know that I would even stabilize me in a time of need or if it would just scare me to death. So I hope to avoid that eventuality at all costs. Perhaps this fear even keeps me from reaching full healing potential. For if I dig too deep I risk destabilizing and leave myself vulnerable to the need for intervention. Unacceptable. Maybe one of you can explain to me what happens in the hospital to take the mystery out of it for me. Fearing the unknown is a huge issue in my life
Fear in any form has been a huge issue in my life. What to do about that? What to do?