Archive for the ‘All about me’ Category

So I’ve taken a month’s hiatus from blog writing.  Sorry to any of my readers who got used to hearing from me at least once a week. (For the short time that I’ve been doing this of course!)    I’ve actually been really busy these past weeks believe it or not.

The road trip was spur of the moment and led me down to Texas for under a week.  It was my nephews 3rd birthday.  I realize that statement takes some of my anonymity away though I’m pretty sure there aren’t many people scouring the blogosphere for people with nephews in Texas that celebrated an April birthday in March.  There, that was sufficiently confusing for the search engines I’m sure!

Anyway, the road trip was with a good friend and was a great success.  The whole thing was a surprise for my sister’s family.  It was so much fun to see their faces when we showed up at their door

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A week after I got home, my same good friend  called me up and said I need new living room furniture, lets’  go shopping tomorrow!  Several thousand dollars later we designed a new room completely.

In my family I am the e painter.  If you have a room you want to change, I’m your girl.  I love renovations of all sorts.  I especially love demolition.  You know… the part where you get to bash walls in a beat ceiling to the floor completely gutting a place?  That’s what I adore.  It’s the only time I truly feel any satisfaction getting some aggression out of my system.

But then I also like envisioning the finished product and working towards that goal.  The living room turned out quite splendidly if I do say so myself.  Now we are working on the foyer and hallway.  Tons of moldings and trim work in there.

The other thing that’s good about all of this manual labour is that it gives J and I time to talk.  J is a protector/fighter part of my internal system.  (She is saying she’s much more than that)  True, she is much more than that but she is definitely a tough chick.  But she also loves this kind of work and learned a lot about it from people as we grew up as she was out much of the time we were around those people.  So J and I have been talking.  The kind of talking that isn’t about anything dark or twisted.  Just normal stuff like, oh that needs to be leveled off, the paint needs another coat, that sort of thing.  But I figure any kind of communication is a good thing.

I’m not sure how long these projects are going to go on.  We’re kind of on a roll now and it seems that every room in my friend’s house is going to be done.  I’m certainly not complaining. I love it!!   And it has helped to lift my mood and keep it there for weeks.  I’m running out of material to talk about in therapy for Pete’s sake! (Not really)  But it’s nice to go in and say to my therapist that I’m feeling good and not even waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It really is a nice feeling.

On that note, I bid you adieu for now.  Be well everyone.  I’ll come back with more topics soon.  Maybe we’ll come up with something to stir up some controversy!

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Road Trip

Posted: March 28, 2012 in All about me
Tags: , ,

Took an unexpected road trip but I’ll be back soon with lots of posts.

So we are currently having a snow storm.  It’s blowing like crazy.  Kind of pretty really  Even at this stage of winter.

The last few days have been fairly uneventful.  Uneventful in an emotional/mental way.  I’ve spent time with friends. I ‘ve gone out of the house even. Wow.  But things inside are pretty calm.  It always makes me wonder if a storm is brewing.  Past experience tells me that it won’t last, this calmness.  I guess that isn’t really a healthy way to think, but there it is.

I haven’t written or spoken about the memories yet.  Maybe the insiders are in hiding knowing I’m considering doing this.  I’m supposed to be trying to communicate more with them.  Maybe the timing of everything is too wonky.  I feel… unsettled.  That’s a good word.  Just plain unsettled.

“Things are not what they seem.”

This is a triggery phrase for me. I didn’t realize how triggery until yesterday. I was watching a show on TV when one of the characters pronounced this line. It’s important to note that it’s a little different than what people normally say. The usual line is “Things are not always what they seem.” A one word difference. By removing the word ‘always’ the sentence becomes a statement of fact rather than a philosophical pondering.

Let me explain what this trigger is about. For yes, I do actually know what hides behind this one. I was talking to my therapist back in hometown about high school one day. Just sort of random memories, what it was like what I was like, how those years affected me etc. I mentioned a specific teacher and suddenly remembered a conversation we had when he pulled me aside after class one day. It seems he knew I was having great difficulties with a court case that was happening against one of my perpetrators. (Another teacher from elementary school was prosecuted for one incident that I, me, myself remembered) Anyway, my high school teacher told me as sort of an afterthought to this conversation, as if hesitant that things are not what they seem. I had no idea what he was trying to tell my little teenage brain. I thought maybe he was just trying to convey some conventional wisdom about life in general.

However… saying that phrase years later in therapy awakened a strange sensation. Almost a knowing inside. I discovered that this teacher was likely trying to tell me that my life was a little more complicated than I realized. I believe now that the teacher knew there was something more going on with me. Now whether he was on the side of dark or light, or merely a bystander, I couldn’t tell you. Perhaps he was on dark and then saw the light, I don’t know. What I do know was that his message was to obscure for it to trickle down to where it needed to go. He told me something that day that would not come to fully realized until 15 years later.

I wonder what life would have looked like had I seen then what was actually happening to me. But wisdom tells me that I was not meant to know until I knew. Life unfolds as it should. Do I really believe that? I think maybe I do. Even if it leaves a sour, bitter mix of poison in my gut. Do you believe you were meant to suffer? Do you believe you were meant to be tested? Were you worthy enough to survive? You did survive, so maybe yes?

So I have decided that there needs to be a physical representation of me on this blog.  I am proud to introduce ppp.  Here’s what I look like.  Now I will be able to demonstrate appropriately when I am:

Happy        Mad       Sad       Glad 

Or most importantly a little wacky!!

OH, and be sure to check out my new me, myself and I page.  Just a little bit of info for you.

Update: This is sleepy head me from this morning.   Like my bed head?

Cheerio!

ppp