To Hearts and Harmony

love

Well it’s that wonderful day again, Valentine’s Day.  It’s been a day like any other here.  My partner and I love each other very much but we don’t really feel the need to have a special day for expressing it.  I suppose it’s nice to have that one day where you’re shown appreciation but I think those things should happen every day.  Doing things like making each other a coffee or scratching their back are very simple yet very intimate.  I think these small things are what make up the every day of a relationship and it’s these things that are the glue to any relationship.  When you’re upset or angry you should be able to count on your partner to move outside of that and provide what they can by way of comfort and joy.  This is not to say that you can’t ever be at polar opposites of an issue and just can’t seem to find the middle ground but if you are still doing the small things for each other than the big stuff doesn’t seem quite so big.

My partner is fabulous.  She is very nurturing and caring, yet also very down to earth and states what she thinks in no uncertain terms.  There are things that we don’t agree on and when that happens it seems like it’s just a lot of work to get to a point where we can coexist in this melee of opinions.  But then she’ll get me a glass of juice and I’ll put her favourite show on and the other stuff just melts away because we are where we belong.  Together.

We are getting married this year.  I am very much looking forward to celebrating the small things.  Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.  I wish you peace and connection with your loved ones.

Connecting to Facebook

I’m running a little test to see if this works. I’ve created a Facebook profile and page for this blog. I’m hoping it will reach more people that way. So let’s just see if this works shall we?  See you on a screen near you!  

Medical Delay

glacier2

Well the holidays have passed.  Winter has settled into a deep freeze.  The sun, though shining, has not much warmth to share.  My mood is low.  I’m recovering as best as I can from the roller coaster that always seems to describe the holidays.  I’ve been seeking extra support and receiving it.  But there are some things that all the support in the world can’t take away.  One such thing is a medical problem.  I’m undergoing testing for something that could turn out to be a blip or could turn out to be quite serious.  The uncertainty, the unknowing, the waiting is where the distress lies.  I have few words to share with you at this time.  But wanted you to know I will be writing more soon when my mood brightens just a bit.  Thank you for your patience.  I’ll keep updating.

Update Continued (part 2)

new-beginnings

I was on my own for a while.  I moved to a new place that was more affordable on my own.  It was a nice apartment.  I sought the advice of a lawyer through legal aid.  He was a nice young man who wanted to help.  The divorce was simple really.  We did not have much to split up.  My ex had taken the time while I was in the hospital to divide up our things into what was hers and what was mine.  We divied up the furniture and the stuff.  It’s amazing how you can dismantle a life so easily.  We lived together for nearly 6 months after she told me she was leaving so she could get herself settled in her new life.  It was hell.  I would often cry and she would just roll her eyes and berate me.  We learned to ignore each other to the best of our abilities.  Most of our interactions consisted of her telling me she was NOT going to pay support as I had not earned it.  I said nothing.  I took the abuse and said nothing.  It was a terrible place to be.

My friends were supportive of me.  They tried to cheer me up as much as was possible.  I learned how to live life on my own.  I helped to support a friend who went through a life threatening illness.  Later I found myself a job.  It was the kind of job I had never done before and I was excelling.  I started to feel a little more human.  All the while I was in therapy.  I was dealing with grief over the loss of my marriage.  I was dealing with self harm thoughts.  I was dealing with insiders that didn’t really know what was going on.  But I was dealing.

I decided a year later that it was time for me to start meeting people and crawling out of my hole a bit.  But how to do this?  So I started online.  I found a chat room for lesbians and went in there.  I met some nice people.  I met some crazy people too.  Eventually I met the woman I’m going to marry.  At first it was a casual friendship.  Then it became a friendship with attraction.  Then a relationship based on trust, friendship and attraction.  Here we are 3 years later, and I’m engaged to be married to a wonderful woman.

Two years ago I started having health issues.  Just little things here and there.  None of it turned out to be too serious but it involved invasive medical tests that were quite triggering for me.  I started to miss work.  I started having more and more anxiety.  When I’m anxious I tend to switch more often.  This was not a good recipe for my work life.  The office was in upheaval as well with people leaving and being stressed out.  After taking a leave and going back for a brief time I decided that the office was too toxic for me to return.

I didn’t work for about 8 months when I decided to get back into the workforce with the support of my partner.  I thought I’d get back into retail because I thought it would be easy and mindless.  Boy was I wrong!  My anxiety reflexes kicked in big time and made it very difficult to attend.  I managed to scrape by for three months until I needed to take some time off.  Which is where I’m at now.  On leave and supposed to be considering going back in a few weeks.  I’m not sure what to do.  But that’s for another post.

I think I’m done updating in a general way.  I’m going to post this as it is.  I hope you are doing well on your own journey and if you aren’t…. well…. I offer you a place to sit a while.

-Peoplepuzzlepieces

 

 

Ta Da!!! I’m Back!!! (part one)

Update

Well, well, well.  Here I am over 6 years later and posting again.  Boy has it been an adventurous 6 years.  So much has happened for me both internally and externally.  I was in a marriage that apparently was falling apart.  I was not yet seeing my current psychiatrist/therapist.  I wasn’t working.  I had friends that are no longer in my life.  I lived in a different home.  I had 3 pets. I had never been hospitalized.  Wow,  those are just to name a few changes.

Let me tell you what has inspired me to come back and then I’ll fill you in on the details of what happened while I was gone.  Over at Discussing Dissociation there is a new forum that has opened up.  I’ve joined this forum as I think Kathy Broady is an amazing therapist and I think anything connected to her can only be good for us.  There was a section there where we could link to our artwork and linking to this site was the easiest thing I could think of to do so… Here I am!

I’m in a very different place now than I was 6 years ago.  I re-read all of our old posts and it became clear how far we’ve come and how far we have to go.  We being my system of insiders and myself.  Gosh, where do I start.  I last wrote in 2012.  I had seen my family in the late winter, early spring.  I even joked about my dad saying he wasnt’ intending to die anytime soon.  Little did we know we’d lose him a couple of months later on July 1st, 2012.  It was devastating.  I had been close with my father.  He taught me a lot.  And even though I lived 1200 km’s away I went to his bedside to be with him in his last days.  I watched him take his last breath.  All in all it was pretty quick.  A matter of a week really from the time he went in the hospital til the time he passed away.  But he had been ill for many years.  More ill than we ever knew because he downplayed the entire illness.  We laid my father to rest on July 6th, there was a family wedding on July 7th and there was a family birth on July 9th of that year.  This caused more upheaval than I ever would have imagined.

At the same time as this was going on I had begun to see my psychiatrist.  I was in the getting to know her stages.  Here I had struck gold.  A shrink with DID experience and special training in dealing with trauma.  Not only is she a psychiatrist but she is a talk doc.  She was the head of a trauma program for women in a major city amongst other accolades and is currently the head of psychiatry for the medical school in my region.  I have so much respect for my t as I will now refer to her.  She has guided me over these past 6 years towards healing and peace and I have learned so many skills through groups she has run as well as individual therapy.  I currently see her approximately every month.  This changes as my needs change and as her schedule allows.  This leaves me plenty of time to learn how to deal with things on my own and to use the skills I’ve been taught.  My t is an amazing woman who has faced time in war zones and hospitals alike.  Actual real war zones!  Like with bombs and guns and armoured vehicles.  I am astounded by her strength of character.

Time marches on.  Following the death of my dad I went through natural grieving processes, with one exception.  The memories.  They started to trickle in very subtly and slowly.  So subtle in fact that I questioned my own sanity.  How could this be?  How could my dad, whom I loved fiercely, be an abuser?  I had thought it was my uncle who was my main abuser and sold me to other men. I thought it was my uncle who belonged to “the group” and dragged me into the mud.  It would turn out that I was mistaken.  My fathers’ face began to occupy faces that once remained blank in my mind.  The picture began to get clearer.  So I ran.  I ran from the truth.  I closed my eyes and turned away and ignored all that was happening to me inside.  I was scared, confused, lost and disheartened.

I was also pursuing compensation for my injuries sustained as a young person both physically and mentally from a government program geared towards such things.  It was like poking a beehive with a stick and then standing there being stung not knowing where to run or what to do next.  This would be my undoing.

I sort of became stuck in a place of misery and depression.  I was in a black hole and no one could talk me out of it.  This lasted for 2 years.  The trials and tribulations culminated in a very difficult hospital experience for me.  I was dissociating quite a lot and switching out to a younger female part that would use self-harm as her go-to coping mechanism.  My partner became very concerned, supposedly, and off to the hospital we went.  They kept me in the emergency department as a voluntary admission.  There was no room in the mental health ward.  I was hallucinating and the whole bit.  I even had one nurse chasing a ghost around the E.R. because I could swear I had seen my uncle walk by and he was to be nowhere near me.  I would spend the next 5 days under a watchful eye from the nurses station in the E.R.  It was hell and very triggering.  The sounds of a trauma center constantly in my ears.  I would come to be very unresponsive as I felt my mind shut down.

When I was finally moved to the actual ward my wife decided that this was the time to tell me that she was leaving me.  Dropped it like a bomb in the lunch room on the mental health ward.  Devastated once again.  There was no way for me to fight, no way for me to battle back, no energy for me to use from the ward.  My partner of 10 years was giving up on me.  My t was furious.  Though she suspected it was going to happen at some point she was furious with the way in which it happened.  I cried more than I’ve ever cried before.  The misery I was feeling was so deep, so visceral that I couldn’t breathe.

 

This is enough for now.  I need to pace myself so I don’t become too overwhelmed.  Thank you for listening and I welcome you back to my blog.  If you’re here for the first time I hope you find it interesting enough to leave a comment.  If not I’ll see you around.  I hope to write more here and help suss out what’s been going on for me.

Happy New Year Everyone!

-Peoplepuzzlepieces

Renovations Inside and Out

So I’ve taken a month’s hiatus from blog writing.  Sorry to any of my readers who got used to hearing from me at least once a week. (For the short time that I’ve been doing this of course!)    I’ve actually been really busy these past weeks believe it or not.

The road trip was spur of the moment and led me down to Texas for under a week.  It was my nephews 3rd birthday.  I realize that statement takes some of my anonymity away though I’m pretty sure there aren’t many people scouring the blogosphere for people with nephews in Texas that celebrated an April birthday in March.  There, that was sufficiently confusing for the search engines I’m sure!

Anyway, the road trip was with a good friend and was a great success.  The whole thing was a surprise for my sister’s family.  It was so much fun to see their faces when we showed up at their door

.

A week after I got home, my same good friend  called me up and said I need new living room furniture, lets’  go shopping tomorrow!  Several thousand dollars later we designed a new room completely.

In my family I am the e painter.  If you have a room you want to change, I’m your girl.  I love renovations of all sorts.  I especially love demolition.  You know… the part where you get to bash walls in a beat ceiling to the floor completely gutting a place?  That’s what I adore.  It’s the only time I truly feel any satisfaction getting some aggression out of my system.

But then I also like envisioning the finished product and working towards that goal.  The living room turned out quite splendidly if I do say so myself.  Now we are working on the foyer and hallway.  Tons of moldings and trim work in there.

The other thing that’s good about all of this manual labour is that it gives J and I time to talk.  J is a protector/fighter part of my internal system.  (She is saying she’s much more than that)  True, she is much more than that but she is definitely a tough chick.  But she also loves this kind of work and learned a lot about it from people as we grew up as she was out much of the time we were around those people.  So J and I have been talking.  The kind of talking that isn’t about anything dark or twisted.  Just normal stuff like, oh that needs to be leveled off, the paint needs another coat, that sort of thing.  But I figure any kind of communication is a good thing.

I’m not sure how long these projects are going to go on.  We’re kind of on a roll now and it seems that every room in my friend’s house is going to be done.  I’m certainly not complaining. I love it!!   And it has helped to lift my mood and keep it there for weeks.  I’m running out of material to talk about in therapy for Pete’s sake! (Not really)  But it’s nice to go in and say to my therapist that I’m feeling good and not even waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It really is a nice feeling.

On that note, I bid you adieu for now.  Be well everyone.  I’ll come back with more topics soon.  Maybe we’ll come up with something to stir up some controversy!

Musings at the Laundromat

               

 I’m sitting and watching the snow reduce itself to a massive watery mess at the curbside.  The sun is slanted sideways through the evening sky shining directly upon my face through the dusty window.  I feel the warmth of that solar power warm my skin.  It helps to keep my bitter coffee from cooling down as its aroma fills my lungs.  I feel a longing inside.

                The song I hear, speaking words of loss and loneliness.  I wonder what the days ahead hold in store for me.  A bag sits in front of me made of the recycled bits of our past.  That plastic pill holder you threw out, the casing of a syringe from the pharmacy, the bottle of booze in the gutter.  Is that what went into the making of this bag?  I think maybe we’re all made of recycled bits of our parents.  Enmeshed, mingled, molded into something new and perhaps not so different.  After going through the crushing and grinding, heating, cleansing we are then spit out in our current shape.  Or maybe we’re quite different in our new shiny form.  We were made for an alternate purpose, mistakenly placed amidst the hell that we suffered.  Yes that’s it.  It must have been some universal glitch.  Surely it wasn’t meant to be this way.  For whatever a believer believes in, a divinity of such cruelty should not be allowed to exist.