Posts Tagged ‘blogging’

So I’ve taken a month’s hiatus from blog writing.  Sorry to any of my readers who got used to hearing from me at least once a week. (For the short time that I’ve been doing this of course!)    I’ve actually been really busy these past weeks believe it or not.

The road trip was spur of the moment and led me down to Texas for under a week.  It was my nephews 3rd birthday.  I realize that statement takes some of my anonymity away though I’m pretty sure there aren’t many people scouring the blogosphere for people with nephews in Texas that celebrated an April birthday in March.  There, that was sufficiently confusing for the search engines I’m sure!

Anyway, the road trip was with a good friend and was a great success.  The whole thing was a surprise for my sister’s family.  It was so much fun to see their faces when we showed up at their door

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A week after I got home, my same good friend  called me up and said I need new living room furniture, lets’  go shopping tomorrow!  Several thousand dollars later we designed a new room completely.

In my family I am the e painter.  If you have a room you want to change, I’m your girl.  I love renovations of all sorts.  I especially love demolition.  You know… the part where you get to bash walls in a beat ceiling to the floor completely gutting a place?  That’s what I adore.  It’s the only time I truly feel any satisfaction getting some aggression out of my system.

But then I also like envisioning the finished product and working towards that goal.  The living room turned out quite splendidly if I do say so myself.  Now we are working on the foyer and hallway.  Tons of moldings and trim work in there.

The other thing that’s good about all of this manual labour is that it gives J and I time to talk.  J is a protector/fighter part of my internal system.  (She is saying she’s much more than that)  True, she is much more than that but she is definitely a tough chick.  But she also loves this kind of work and learned a lot about it from people as we grew up as she was out much of the time we were around those people.  So J and I have been talking.  The kind of talking that isn’t about anything dark or twisted.  Just normal stuff like, oh that needs to be leveled off, the paint needs another coat, that sort of thing.  But I figure any kind of communication is a good thing.

I’m not sure how long these projects are going to go on.  We’re kind of on a roll now and it seems that every room in my friend’s house is going to be done.  I’m certainly not complaining. I love it!!   And it has helped to lift my mood and keep it there for weeks.  I’m running out of material to talk about in therapy for Pete’s sake! (Not really)  But it’s nice to go in and say to my therapist that I’m feeling good and not even waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It really is a nice feeling.

On that note, I bid you adieu for now.  Be well everyone.  I’ll come back with more topics soon.  Maybe we’ll come up with something to stir up some controversy!

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 I’m sitting and watching the snow reduce itself to a massive watery mess at the curbside.  The sun is slanted sideways through the evening sky shining directly upon my face through the dusty window.  I feel the warmth of that solar power warm my skin.  It helps to keep my bitter coffee from cooling down as its aroma fills my lungs.  I feel a longing inside.

                The song I hear, speaking words of loss and loneliness.  I wonder what the days ahead hold in store for me.  A bag sits in front of me made of the recycled bits of our past.  That plastic pill holder you threw out, the casing of a syringe from the pharmacy, the bottle of booze in the gutter.  Is that what went into the making of this bag?  I think maybe we’re all made of recycled bits of our parents.  Enmeshed, mingled, molded into something new and perhaps not so different.  After going through the crushing and grinding, heating, cleansing we are then spit out in our current shape.  Or maybe we’re quite different in our new shiny form.  We were made for an alternate purpose, mistakenly placed amidst the hell that we suffered.  Yes that’s it.  It must have been some universal glitch.  Surely it wasn’t meant to be this way.  For whatever a believer believes in, a divinity of such cruelty should not be allowed to exist.

So I received some news this past week that I haven’t shared yet.  My therapist tried contacting a colleague of hers to see if she had any experience treating someone with DID.  Her colleague did not but pointed out that there is a new psychiatrist in town that specializes in trauma.  My therapist just happens to have other clients that go to this psychiatrist so she felt comfortable enough contacting her about me, minus the revealing details of course.  IT turns out that the new psychiatrist worked in a large city and was involved in a women’s program that dealt extensively with trauma which inevitably included patients with DID.  Imagine that! A psychiatrist in our little city with such experience.  It’s like winning the lottery in a way.  My therapist was glad to find this out so she set up a referral for me.  The new psychiatrist has agreed to do a consultation to see if she’d be willing to take me on as a full-time client.  She is now in private practice which allows her to be selective about her caseload giving her more control over her schedule.  I understand this.  I just find it quite miraculous that I’ve finally found someone who has seen this disorder before.

My current therapist is a social worker with 20 years under her belt dealing with all manner of things.  She understands trauma and has been really good for me so far.  The new psychiatrist indicated that she would only consider taking me on if I was fairly stable and had a good sense of grounding and being present.  So my current therapist and I are working on making sure I have the grounding down pat.  As we went through a few techniques together I was actually surprised at how much I knew already.  Of course knowing it intellectually and putting it into practice are two totally different things.

Anyway, I’m very excited about this new development.  It will likely take a couple of months to get the actual appointment but that’s better than the years I waited for my current treatment.  I’m so very thankful for my current therapist.  If you are reading this… please know that.

Until next time,

ppp

So I had therapy yesterday. It was a good session. We actually laughed quite a bit. We talked about all the skills I’ve learned with a focus on distress tolerance. I’m coming to the end of my group. I will have been through all the modules when we finish this current one. My therapist asked me if there were any skills I thought I needed more work on. I said of course, there’s always room for more learning. So I’ve decided to go through group for a second time. It’ll be a reason to get out of the house if nothing else.

Then we got serious. My therapist said “I don’t know your whole story and I haven’t been pushing it because it wasn’t the most important thing.” She said she’ll let me make the decisions on how I want to tell her, what I want to tell her, and how much I want to tell at a time. So it’s time.

I think I’m ready. I think I’m going to start from the beginning and just spill out all the parts that I know. I think I’m going to be okay with doing this. Maybe I’ll show her some old journal entries where I talk about memories and that way I won’t have to say it or write it down again. Then there is the point that maybe if I write it down again it will help to process it more.

What do you guys think? Do you have a particular way that you’ve found helpful or easier maybe, to talk about the memories you do have? Let me know what your thoughts are.

So I have decided that there needs to be a physical representation of me on this blog.  I am proud to introduce ppp.  Here’s what I look like.  Now I will be able to demonstrate appropriately when I am:

Happy        Mad       Sad       Glad 

Or most importantly a little wacky!!

OH, and be sure to check out my new me, myself and I page.  Just a little bit of info for you.

Update: This is sleepy head me from this morning.   Like my bed head?

Cheerio!

ppp