Well it’s that wonderful day again, Valentine’s Day. It’s been a day like any other here. My partner and I love each other very much but we don’t really feel the need to have a special day for expressing it. I suppose it’s nice to have that one day where you’re shown appreciation but I think those things should happen every day. Doing things like making each other a coffee or scratching their back are very simple yet very intimate. I think these small things are what make up the every day of a relationship and it’s these things that are the glue to any relationship. When you’re upset or angry you should be able to count on your partner to move outside of that and provide what they can by way of comfort and joy. This is not to say that you can’t ever be at polar opposites of an issue and just can’t seem to find the middle ground but if you are still doing the small things for each other than the big stuff doesn’t seem quite so big.
My partner is fabulous. She is very nurturing and caring, yet also very down to earth and states what she thinks in no uncertain terms. There are things that we don’t agree on and when that happens it seems like it’s just a lot of work to get to a point where we can coexist in this melee of opinions. But then she’ll get me a glass of juice and I’ll put her favourite show on and the other stuff just melts away because we are where we belong. Together.
We are getting married this year. I am very much looking forward to celebrating the small things. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I wish you peace and connection with your loved ones.
I’m running a little test to see if this works. I’ve created a Facebook profile and page for this blog. I’m hoping it will reach more people that way. So let’s just see if this works shall we? See you on a screen near you!
I was on my own for a while. I moved to a new place that was more affordable on my own. It was a nice apartment. I sought the advice of a lawyer through legal aid. He was a nice young man who wanted to help. The divorce was simple really. We did not have much to split up. My ex had taken the time while I was in the hospital to divide up our things into what was hers and what was mine. We divied up the furniture and the stuff. It’s amazing how you can dismantle a life so easily. We lived together for nearly 6 months after she told me she was leaving so she could get herself settled in her new life. It was hell. I would often cry and she would just roll her eyes and berate me. We learned to ignore each other to the best of our abilities. Most of our interactions consisted of her telling me she was NOT going to pay support as I had not earned it. I said nothing. I took the abuse and said nothing. It was a terrible place to be.
My friends were supportive of me. They tried to cheer me up as much as was possible. I learned how to live life on my own. I helped to support a friend who went through a life threatening illness. Later I found myself a job. It was the kind of job I had never done before and I was excelling. I started to feel a little more human. All the while I was in therapy. I was dealing with grief over the loss of my marriage. I was dealing with self harm thoughts. I was dealing with insiders that didn’t really know what was going on. But I was dealing.
I decided a year later that it was time for me to start meeting people and crawling out of my hole a bit. But how to do this? So I started online. I found a chat room for lesbians and went in there. I met some nice people. I met some crazy people too. Eventually I met the woman I’m going to marry. At first it was a casual friendship. Then it became a friendship with attraction. Then a relationship based on trust, friendship and attraction. Here we are 3 years later, and I’m engaged to be married to a wonderful woman.
Two years ago I started having health issues. Just little things here and there. None of it turned out to be too serious but it involved invasive medical tests that were quite triggering for me. I started to miss work. I started having more and more anxiety. When I’m anxious I tend to switch more often. This was not a good recipe for my work life. The office was in upheaval as well with people leaving and being stressed out. After taking a leave and going back for a brief time I decided that the office was too toxic for me to return.
I didn’t work for about 8 months when I decided to get back into the workforce with the support of my partner. I thought I’d get back into retail because I thought it would be easy and mindless. Boy was I wrong! My anxiety reflexes kicked in big time and made it very difficult to attend. I managed to scrape by for three months until I needed to take some time off. Which is where I’m at now. On leave and supposed to be considering going back in a few weeks. I’m not sure what to do. But that’s for another post.
I think I’m done updating in a general way. I’m going to post this as it is. I hope you are doing well on your own journey and if you aren’t…. well…. I offer you a place to sit a while.
So we are currently having a snow storm. It’s blowing like crazy. Kind of pretty really Even at this stage of winter.
The last few days have been fairly uneventful. Uneventful in an emotional/mental way. I’ve spent time with friends. I ‘ve gone out of the house even. Wow. But things inside are pretty calm. It always makes me wonder if a storm is brewing. Past experience tells me that it won’t last, this calmness. I guess that isn’t really a healthy way to think, but there it is.
I haven’t written or spoken about the memories yet. Maybe the insiders are in hiding knowing I’m considering doing this. I’m supposed to be trying to communicate more with them. Maybe the timing of everything is too wonky. I feel… unsettled. That’s a good word. Just plain unsettled.