I’m running a little test to see if this works. I’ve created a Facebook profile and page for this blog. I’m hoping it will reach more people that way. So let’s just see if this works shall we? See you on a screen near you!
So let’s talk therapy. There are so many different kinds of therapy. Different theories, different modes, different styles. How many different kind of therapy do you think you’ve been exposed to? I’m trying to remember. There’s been individual counselling as well as a few couple sessions. I’ve done several different types of group therapy. I’ve done online chatting both individually and as a group. I’ve also done forums and of course this blog I would also consider therapy, albeit self-directed.
I’ve been taught CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy). I’ve had one counsellor that described her style as coming from a feminist perspective, another as a family systems theorist. There’s client centered healing, oh and my latest read was based on a Janetian theory which pays much attention to hierarchies of action systems. There are many things you do in therapy like processing memories and learning practical skills. There are countless theories and approaches.
I look at this and I think, “I should be the healthiest person around!” There are a thousand types of therapy I’ve not been exposed to as well. Do you know what theories your therapist is partial to? Do you think yo have the right to know? when I was younger it didn’t even occur to me to ask. When I was moving to escape the bad guys I did ask that therapist what her main perspective came from so that I could tell any future therapist what I had worked with in the past. Then I read this article by Kathy Broady and she talks about her approach at great length with her clients.
I have a great deal of respect for Kathy. I discovered Discussing Dissociation when I was without a therapist after i moved. i found all of the articles so informative and so in tune with what my experiences were. Kathy is very knowledgeable and experienced when it comes to DID. I know there has been some controversy out there about her but from my own personal experience, she’s been great. A life saver even.
Anyway, I just wanted to p[ut these few questions out to see where you all stand. Do you know what theories your therapist ascribes to? Do you have a particular approach you feel you respond to better than others? For any therapist out there, do you feel you are flexible as to what theory you use according to what client or do you stay rigidly within one or two? Let me know what you’re thinking.
Or most importantly a little wacky!!
OH, and be sure to check out my new me, myself and I page. Just a little bit of info for you.
So I’m supposed to be learning how to sit with my feelings., You know, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, all that jazz. My therapist explained to me after I told her that I tried sitting with my feelings and felt stupid, that I am the opposite of most others in the DBT group. She does not know this for certain, she is basing her opinion of averages. A lot of people go into a group like this because they can’t contain themselves, can’t contain their sadness, their anger, their rage. My problem is that I’m too controlled. I’m bottled up so tightly that the second I start to feel something I run for the hills. I don’t really feel comfortable with sadness and I certainly don’t do anger.
However, through my healing journey, that’s what people call it right? Through this journey I’ve discovered that others contain these feelings for me. I’ve decided that it isn’t really fair that my insiders have to carry that shit all the time. God knows I would hate it. And they are part of me, so I can only imagine they hate it too. A topic for inner discussion one of these days.
I’m learning more and more about how to have these discussions with the insiders. Not everyone is willing to participate yet but you can tell there is some curiosity there. Shhh… don’t tell them I said that. Ha! As if I could hide it.
Anyway, here I am…. sitting…. with no feelings. Weird.
I found something today that I wrote about 12 years ago. Long before I had any clue that I was dissociative. Or at least before I knew what to call the experiences that I have. It held a lot of meaning for me back in those days but since realizing that I have parts it takes on even more. I thought some of you might be able to relate to it. So here you go….
Okay…. Breathe. That’s all that is required of you. The rest will take care of itself. Sitting alone tonight,
a few doors have strayed open in the emptiness and silence. You say, I must fill it, I must avoid the void.
But bravery insists on trying to make a stand. Go on, go ahead. The dark is just a space waiting to see the light.
Fall into it. To fall is okay. It’s the only way to learn how to fly. Just feel the breeze. The cool, dark air.
It’s there not to give you a chill. It’s there to strip away your defenses. It will work for you. Let go of the edge.
It’s much too dangerous to stay off-balance like that. Choose to go over the edge. There’s much more waiting there for you.
You’ve been on that side long enough. You know it well. You know it so well you will not forget it. You will bring it with you.
We all know living on the edge is bad for your health. Most people think we should crawl back to safety.
You know you must leap out into the unknown. It’s there just waiting for you. You hear it calling, I know you do.
You see the water down there. You see the reflection. All those faces, that’s all they are. Just reflections.
Memories of a time you lived through. Remember those faces; remember you did LIVE through them. You survived.
You were afraid, you were sad, you were strong in your weakness. You lived. I’m so proud of those things. You have experienced it
. You’ve learned; you’ve faced it. Now you can feel it. The reflections on the water, they are on the surface down there.
When you dive in, they’re gone You can’t see them from the other side. From the underneath it is a beautiful, clear, sunny sky.
But don’t worry . Everyone can see the reflections. And when they lean over the edge to see you dive in
and wonder how you can do that, they see their own reflection among all the others. They SEE.
You can not hide from your reflection as they can not hide from their reflection. And the water brings a clarity.
It is a clear vision into each of our souls. |When you do right, your reflection shows. And when you do wrong it remains.
They see, they know, they will not forget. They have to face their own reflection. You think your memory is so long.
You think you can not escape your past. You’re right. The past is not a hindrance. It does not now, nor will it ever
block your way to your present or your future. It will carry you there. It will boost you up on the shoulders of knowledge.
Forever building higher and higher. Your memory is not long. You don’t remember the tears rolling down your face.
How those tears must make your eyes shine so bright. Those eyes. How they’ve shown you so much. Those eyes,
how they connect right to your heart. This heart that carries so much weight. It must be awfully strong by now.
It must be so ready to start feeling all that your eyes have shown it. How lucky you are. Those tears that you knew before.
Before you turned to hang onto the edge. They are still there. They fell into the water. They are there waiting for you.
They are there to help you and cushion your fall. That’s why the reflections show in them. Go to them. Your hands must be so tired.
So sore and scarred from hanging onto that edge. Go find your tears in the water down there.
Dive in. Let go. Fall.
I seem to be bumping up against some no talk rules as I try and make new posts to this blog. I wonder where they are coming from. I wonder who is feeling threatened. I wonder if this was a bad idea. i want so much to be able to put my thoughts down here but I am unable to get the words out of my mind and through my fingertips. Anyone out there have some suggestions?
Well here is my first attempt at posting something for the grand (or not so grand) masses to read. I guess this is the time I should tell you a little about myself. I am a woman living with Dissociative Identity Disorder and the myriad of other diagnoses that generally accompany such a disorder. I am married to a lovely woman. I have 2 cats who couldn’t be more different from one another and a beagle that seems to really understand me.
Ask me about anxiety, depression, PTSD, panic attacks etc. and I’ll probably be able to tell you a little bit about it. I could talk about psychotropic drugs, therapy, therapists, self-help books and all kinds of articles and blogs having to do with psychological phenomena. But mostly I just want to let my mind wander. I want to talk about life and living it and will probably dive into all the things I just mentioned at one time or another.
Blogging is going to be an interesting experiment. A foray into the deep, wide ocean that is the human experience. It’s going to be difficult. I was one to journal in the past but I’ve gone away from that. My brain seems to have left me bereft of anything important to say. It’s all being said in much better ways than I can hope to express. But I do hope that one day the writing bug will catch up with me again.
So this is me for now, for better, for worse. Enjoy my little musings at your will. I can’t promise you that you’ll be smarter or better off in the end but it will be nice to occupy a space in someone’s mind for a short period of time. Until next time…