So we are currently having a snow storm. It’s blowing like crazy. Kind of pretty really Even at this stage of winter.
The last few days have been fairly uneventful. Uneventful in an emotional/mental way. I’ve spent time with friends. I ‘ve gone out of the house even. Wow. But things inside are pretty calm. It always makes me wonder if a storm is brewing. Past experience tells me that it won’t last, this calmness. I guess that isn’t really a healthy way to think, but there it is.
I haven’t written or spoken about the memories yet. Maybe the insiders are in hiding knowing I’m considering doing this. I’m supposed to be trying to communicate more with them. Maybe the timing of everything is too wonky. I feel… unsettled. That’s a good word. Just plain unsettled.
So I had therapy yesterday. It was a good session. We actually laughed quite a bit. We talked about all the skills I’ve learned with a focus on distress tolerance. I’m coming to the end of my group. I will have been through all the modules when we finish this current one. My therapist asked me if there were any skills I thought I needed more work on. I said of course, there’s always room for more learning. So I’ve decided to go through group for a second time. It’ll be a reason to get out of the house if nothing else.
Then we got serious. My therapist said “I don’t know your whole story and I haven’t been pushing it because it wasn’t the most important thing.” She said she’ll let me make the decisions on how I want to tell her, what I want to tell her, and how much I want to tell at a time. So it’s time.
I think I’m ready. I think I’m going to start from the beginning and just spill out all the parts that I know. I think I’m going to be okay with doing this. Maybe I’ll show her some old journal entries where I talk about memories and that way I won’t have to say it or write it down again. Then there is the point that maybe if I write it down again it will help to process it more.
What do you guys think? Do you have a particular way that you’ve found helpful or easier maybe, to talk about the memories you do have? Let me know what your thoughts are.
I seem to be bumping up against some no talk rules as I try and make new posts to this blog. I wonder where they are coming from. I wonder who is feeling threatened. I wonder if this was a bad idea. i want so much to be able to put my thoughts down here but I am unable to get the words out of my mind and through my fingertips. Anyone out there have some suggestions?