So I’m supposed to be learning how to sit with my feelings., You know, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, all that jazz. My therapist explained to me after I told her that I tried sitting with my feelings and felt stupid, that I am the opposite of most others in the DBT group. She does not know this for certain, she is basing her opinion of averages. A lot of people go into a group like this because they can’t contain themselves, can’t contain their sadness, their anger, their rage. My problem is that I’m too controlled. I’m bottled up so tightly that the second I start to feel something I run for the hills. I don’t really feel comfortable with sadness and I certainly don’t do anger.
However, through my healing journey, that’s what people call it right? Through this journey I’ve discovered that others contain these feelings for me. I’ve decided that it isn’t really fair that my insiders have to carry that shit all the time. God knows I would hate it. And they are part of me, so I can only imagine they hate it too. A topic for inner discussion one of these days.
I’m learning more and more about how to have these discussions with the insiders. Not everyone is willing to participate yet but you can tell there is some curiosity there. Shhh… don’t tell them I said that. Ha! As if I could hide it.
Anyway, here I am…. sitting…. with no feelings. Weird.