Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

           

            You know, I often think about what my therapist really thinks.  I’m pretty sure the majority of clients do that.  I’ve read a lot about the one sided nature of the therapist/client relationship, I’ve read about how attachment works, I’ve read about how the client wants to occupy a special place in their therapists life.  I’ve done a lot of reading.  It’s an interesting area of study.  This is why I love therapist blogs.  One in particular is What a Shrink Thinks.  It gives you a glimpse of what really goes on in the therapists mind.  It fulfills that craving I feel to know, to see, to really get into that mystical place that is the therapist brain.

            I’ve had the extraordinary opportunity to work with some amazing female therapists.  A few of them were in person and another was online.  I never pass up the chance to say how much I like Discussing Dissociation.  Not that Kathy needs any advertising from me as you’ll see in this article but I don’t mind saying that her blog and one on one sessions I’ve had with her have been invaluable.  I’ve never had a male therapist so I have no idea what that relationship would look like or feel like.  I don’t know that I could even build that relationship.  But the women whose care I’ve been under for significant periods of time, well they’ve just been fantastic.

            I saw my first therapist when I was 15 and she continues to be a part of my life.  We’ve sort of segued into a hybrid sort of friendship but with boundaries sort of relationship.  I know that if I still lived in the same city as her I could call and seek therapy from her and she would be perfectly willing.  I also know that if I called and asked if she’d like to go for coffee she’d oblige me that way as well.  I know that I can send her a joke on Facebook just as easily as I can send her a private email asking about her health.  I know these things emotionally, intellectually.  I know them deeply.

            Another woman I worked with was quite the opposite of that first therapist.  She did not allow hugging or touching but still managed to develop affection for me and me for her.  She was very closed off about her personal life; it was not something we discussed at any great length at all.  But I grew to care deeply for this relationship, to depend on it for my very life.  When circumstances forced us to part ways when I left the city she told me that she would never forget me and that our experience changed the way she would conduct therapy in a profound way.  That made me feel so good.  It could have been a line she fed me but I really don’t believe that.  I believe she was being genuine and her declaration was heartfelt.  I have called her since leaving and she has been helpful in trying to find new resources for me.  Though she gently encourages me to rely more and more on the therapist I’m seeing now.  That is her style.  To push me in the direction I need to go however painful it might be is what she has always done.

            Anyway, what all this rambling is about is just to demonstrate that every therapist has their own style, their own way of dealing with the complexities of their job.  And to also talk about what it’s like to want to be a bigger, more important part of your therapist’s life.  What is it like to really get inside their minds?

            I haven’t yet developed that need, that attachment with my current therapist.  I feel as though I’m right there ready to take the leap. I just need one more push, one more reason, a teensy bit more reassurance that the leap will be worth it.

            I’ll be writing more about this subject again, but this is a good rough start.  Tell me what you think about the relationship you have with your therapist.  I know for multiples there are so many different levels and layers.  How do you deal with all of that?

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So today I had group. It’s a DBT group.  We are currently talking about interpersonal effectiveness.  It’s not the first time I’ve gone through this module.  I think I have a pretty firm grasp on how to ask for what I need and how to say no to unreasonable requests.  But it becomes a matter, once again of how this will be interpreted by the insiders.

Scratch all that.  We don’t want to talk about that.  What’s really on our minds is grief.  Stupid grief.  Who wants to think about grief?  not me, not the rest of us.  But there it is anyway.  There have been many deaths in the family in the past 8 months.  It sucks.  One was our cousin, one was our grandma and one was our uncle.  Not even the bad uncle, a good uncle.  It makes us very sad sometimes.  especially our grandma.  She was like Mrs. Claus.  She looked like her and everything.  She was nice and she loved us and she had rosy cheeks.  We have a statue that she kept in her house of her old dog.  We loved that dog too and he died.  But we have his statue so we don’t miss him so much.

We have our own dog.  SHe is a beagle.  And  we have two cats.  One is plump and one is skinny  The skinny one has diabetes so she has to have shots.  But it doesn’t hurt her too much.  Our dog is very cute.  SHe sleeps a lot and she likes to play at the dog park. She really likes to play in the snow which is a good thing because we have a lot of snow in the winter in our new home.  Well not in our home, but in our city, outside.  You know what I mean.

Anyway I just wanted to say that we are sad sometimes because there has been too many people dying and now our dad is sick.  But he has been sick for a long time and he said he’s not going to die anytime soon.

So that’s all right now.

Some of us.

So I’m supposed to be learning how to sit with my feelings.,  You know, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, all that jazz.  My therapist explained to me after I told her that I tried sitting with my feelings and felt stupid, that I am the opposite of most others in the DBT group.  She does not know this for certain, she is basing her opinion of averages.  A lot of people go into a group like this because they can’t contain themselves, can’t contain their sadness, their anger, their rage.  My problem is that I’m too controlled.  I’m bottled up so tightly that the second I start to feel something I run for the hills.  I don’t really feel comfortable with sadness and I certainly don’t do anger.

However, through my healing journey, that’s what people call it right?  Through this journey I’ve discovered that others contain these feelings for me.  I’ve decided that it isn’t really fair that my insiders have to carry that shit all the time.  God knows I would hate it.  And they are part of me, so I can only imagine they hate it too.  A topic for inner discussion one of these days.

I’m learning more and more about how to have these discussions with the insiders.  Not everyone is willing to participate yet but you can tell there is some curiosity there. Shhh… don’t tell them I said that. Ha! As if I could hide it.

Anyway, here I am….  sitting….  with no feelings.  Weird.

ppp