Please watch this video. It will astound you, inspire you, disgust you and make you want to do whatever you can to help. Join the movement and repost on your own site.
The body of a child,
Ripped, torn and beaten.
You think it was
Tripped, worn and eaten
Up, like dinner
Served to the winner.
Prized, praised, pretty and primped.
Lies, laid, little and limp.
Promised, plied, played and pimped.
Taste the bile,
All the while,
Stick to your style
Piece of shit.
So I received some news this past week that I haven’t shared yet. My therapist tried contacting a colleague of hers to see if she had any experience treating someone with DID. Her colleague did not but pointed out that there is a new psychiatrist in town that specializes in trauma. My therapist just happens to have other clients that go to this psychiatrist so she felt comfortable enough contacting her about me, minus the revealing details of course. IT turns out that the new psychiatrist worked in a large city and was involved in a women’s program that dealt extensively with trauma which inevitably included patients with DID. Imagine that! A psychiatrist in our little city with such experience. It’s like winning the lottery in a way. My therapist was glad to find this out so she set up a referral for me. The new psychiatrist has agreed to do a consultation to see if she’d be willing to take me on as a full-time client. She is now in private practice which allows her to be selective about her caseload giving her more control over her schedule. I understand this. I just find it quite miraculous that I’ve finally found someone who has seen this disorder before.
My current therapist is a social worker with 20 years under her belt dealing with all manner of things. She understands trauma and has been really good for me so far. The new psychiatrist indicated that she would only consider taking me on if I was fairly stable and had a good sense of grounding and being present. So my current therapist and I are working on making sure I have the grounding down pat. As we went through a few techniques together I was actually surprised at how much I knew already. Of course knowing it intellectually and putting it into practice are two totally different things.
Anyway, I’m very excited about this new development. It will likely take a couple of months to get the actual appointment but that’s better than the years I waited for my current treatment. I’m so very thankful for my current therapist. If you are reading this… please know that.
Until next time,
So let’s talk therapy. There are so many different kinds of therapy. Different theories, different modes, different styles. How many different kind of therapy do you think you’ve been exposed to? I’m trying to remember. There’s been individual counselling as well as a few couple sessions. I’ve done several different types of group therapy. I’ve done online chatting both individually and as a group. I’ve also done forums and of course this blog I would also consider therapy, albeit self-directed.
I’ve been taught CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy). I’ve had one counsellor that described her style as coming from a feminist perspective, another as a family systems theorist. There’s client centered healing, oh and my latest read was based on a Janetian theory which pays much attention to hierarchies of action systems. There are many things you do in therapy like processing memories and learning practical skills. There are countless theories and approaches.
I look at this and I think, “I should be the healthiest person around!” There are a thousand types of therapy I’ve not been exposed to as well. Do you know what theories your therapist is partial to? Do you think yo have the right to know? when I was younger it didn’t even occur to me to ask. When I was moving to escape the bad guys I did ask that therapist what her main perspective came from so that I could tell any future therapist what I had worked with in the past. Then I read this article by Kathy Broady and she talks about her approach at great length with her clients.
I have a great deal of respect for Kathy. I discovered Discussing Dissociation when I was without a therapist after i moved. i found all of the articles so informative and so in tune with what my experiences were. Kathy is very knowledgeable and experienced when it comes to DID. I know there has been some controversy out there about her but from my own personal experience, she’s been great. A life saver even.
Anyway, I just wanted to p[ut these few questions out to see where you all stand. Do you know what theories your therapist ascribes to? Do you have a particular approach you feel you respond to better than others? For any therapist out there, do you feel you are flexible as to what theory you use according to what client or do you stay rigidly within one or two? Let me know what you’re thinking.
“Things are not what they seem.”
This is a triggery phrase for me. I didn’t realize how triggery until yesterday. I was watching a show on TV when one of the characters pronounced this line. It’s important to note that it’s a little different than what people normally say. The usual line is “Things are not always what they seem.” A one word difference. By removing the word ‘always’ the sentence becomes a statement of fact rather than a philosophical pondering.
Let me explain what this trigger is about. For yes, I do actually know what hides behind this one. I was talking to my therapist back in hometown about high school one day. Just sort of random memories, what it was like what I was like, how those years affected me etc. I mentioned a specific teacher and suddenly remembered a conversation we had when he pulled me aside after class one day. It seems he knew I was having great difficulties with a court case that was happening against one of my perpetrators. (Another teacher from elementary school was prosecuted for one incident that I, me, myself remembered) Anyway, my high school teacher told me as sort of an afterthought to this conversation, as if hesitant that things are not what they seem. I had no idea what he was trying to tell my little teenage brain. I thought maybe he was just trying to convey some conventional wisdom about life in general.
However… saying that phrase years later in therapy awakened a strange sensation. Almost a knowing inside. I discovered that this teacher was likely trying to tell me that my life was a little more complicated than I realized. I believe now that the teacher knew there was something more going on with me. Now whether he was on the side of dark or light, or merely a bystander, I couldn’t tell you. Perhaps he was on dark and then saw the light, I don’t know. What I do know was that his message was to obscure for it to trickle down to where it needed to go. He told me something that day that would not come to fully realized until 15 years later.
I wonder what life would have looked like had I seen then what was actually happening to me. But wisdom tells me that I was not meant to know until I knew. Life unfolds as it should. Do I really believe that? I think maybe I do. Even if it leaves a sour, bitter mix of poison in my gut. Do you believe you were meant to suffer? Do you believe you were meant to be tested? Were you worthy enough to survive? You did survive, so maybe yes?
Or most importantly a little wacky!!
OH, and be sure to check out my new me, myself and I page. Just a little bit of info for you.
I am living in a very cold place. I don’t mean that figuratively. I mean literally a cold place. It’s currently -14 degrees Celsius with a windchill of -25. It has warmed up a little. This place is not my original home, though I have managed to make it feel like home now. I have been here for a little over two years. My wife and I moved here with 5 days notice. We packed up our lovely 2 bedroom apartment in a 19′ moving truck and put the fur babies (2 cats, 1 dog) in the car and hit the open road for two days. it sounds like an interesting adventure doesn’t it? The truth was, we were scared out of our freaking minds. Neither of us knew what the hell we were getting ourselves into. No job lined up, no home, no friends or family. What would become of us? But we were running for our safety, running for our well being, running for our lives!
I was abused by my uncle since the age of 3 or 4. He belonged to a group of men that exchanged children to be used as play things. We were objects, pawns in a game meant only to satisfy whatever twisted, sadistic needs they had. There were some women involved too, though they weren’t major contributors. Women were beneath them.
When I went into counselling at the end of 2007 it was to deal with anxiety and depression that were interfering with my work life and personal life. It was through the process of self discovery that memories bagan to emerge. It’s a long ongoing saga but the point is that once it became clear to my uncle and his freinds that I was talking they began to apply pressure. My abuse was ongoing unbeknownst to me in the beginning of counselling. eventually I was able to connect to those parts of me that held the abusive content. As a customer service specialist in a big box store I had to deal with people all the time. These men began to harass me at work on a weekly basis. This escalated to the point in which I was sexually assaulted in a locked bathroom at work and also being attacked in my own home. Numerous threats were made against my wife as well. These assaults were revealed to my wife in a counselling session where the social worker said enough is enough. We need to get you out of here and safe now. So the planning began and 5 days later I was living in a homeless shelter in a new city.
I guess I don’t really have a point in telling you all of this. I just felt that I’d let you all get to know me a little better. What my history involves. I’m not really telling it right. You see,, this is the problem. I rattle on about things while I’m completely devoid of human emotion. This was a very big deal and it affected my life greatly. I don’t think that’s getting across. I can feel that my writing doesn’t contain any feeling. Perhaps I’ll just leave you with a little piece of writing.
Have a good night.
Mind is racing, child’s bracing for the night to come.
She try’s to think of things up a-bove so she doesn’t see.
Heart is pounding, thoughts are founding members of a club.
Stairs are creaking, life force leaking further from her grasp.
Memories forming. All is storming. Never will forget.
Though she hides it, ignores this one bit, she will soon grow up.
When this happens she will tell friends. Don’t believe a word.
My whole brain is stuck on all his crimes against this world.