Update Continued (part 2)


I was on my own for a while.  I moved to a new place that was more affordable on my own.  It was a nice apartment.  I sought the advice of a lawyer through legal aid.  He was a nice young man who wanted to help.  The divorce was simple really.  We did not have much to split up.  My ex had taken the time while I was in the hospital to divide up our things into what was hers and what was mine.  We divied up the furniture and the stuff.  It’s amazing how you can dismantle a life so easily.  We lived together for nearly 6 months after she told me she was leaving so she could get herself settled in her new life.  It was hell.  I would often cry and she would just roll her eyes and berate me.  We learned to ignore each other to the best of our abilities.  Most of our interactions consisted of her telling me she was NOT going to pay support as I had not earned it.  I said nothing.  I took the abuse and said nothing.  It was a terrible place to be.

My friends were supportive of me.  They tried to cheer me up as much as was possible.  I learned how to live life on my own.  I helped to support a friend who went through a life threatening illness.  Later I found myself a job.  It was the kind of job I had never done before and I was excelling.  I started to feel a little more human.  All the while I was in therapy.  I was dealing with grief over the loss of my marriage.  I was dealing with self harm thoughts.  I was dealing with insiders that didn’t really know what was going on.  But I was dealing.

I decided a year later that it was time for me to start meeting people and crawling out of my hole a bit.  But how to do this?  So I started online.  I found a chat room for lesbians and went in there.  I met some nice people.  I met some crazy people too.  Eventually I met the woman I’m going to marry.  At first it was a casual friendship.  Then it became a friendship with attraction.  Then a relationship based on trust, friendship and attraction.  Here we are 3 years later, and I’m engaged to be married to a wonderful woman.

Two years ago I started having health issues.  Just little things here and there.  None of it turned out to be too serious but it involved invasive medical tests that were quite triggering for me.  I started to miss work.  I started having more and more anxiety.  When I’m anxious I tend to switch more often.  This was not a good recipe for my work life.  The office was in upheaval as well with people leaving and being stressed out.  After taking a leave and going back for a brief time I decided that the office was too toxic for me to return.

I didn’t work for about 8 months when I decided to get back into the workforce with the support of my partner.  I thought I’d get back into retail because I thought it would be easy and mindless.  Boy was I wrong!  My anxiety reflexes kicked in big time and made it very difficult to attend.  I managed to scrape by for three months until I needed to take some time off.  Which is where I’m at now.  On leave and supposed to be considering going back in a few weeks.  I’m not sure what to do.  But that’s for another post.

I think I’m done updating in a general way.  I’m going to post this as it is.  I hope you are doing well on your own journey and if you aren’t…. well…. I offer you a place to sit a while.





I found something today that I wrote about 12 years ago.  Long before I had any clue that I was dissociative.  Or at least before I knew what to call the experiences that I have.  It held a lot of meaning for me back in those days but since realizing that I have parts it takes on even more.  I thought  some of you might be able to relate to it.  So here you go….


Okay…. Breathe. That’s all that is required of you.  The rest will take care of itself.  Sitting alone tonight,

a few doors have strayed open in the emptiness and silence.  You say, I must fill it, I must avoid the void.

But bravery insists on trying to make a stand.  Go on, go ahead.  The dark is just a space waiting to see the light.

 Fall into it.  To fall is okay.  It’s the only way to learn how to fly.  Just feel the breeze.  The cool, dark air.

It’s there not to give you a chill.  It’s there to strip away your defenses.  It will work for you.  Let go of the edge.

 It’s much too dangerous to stay off-balance like that.  Choose to go over the edge.  There’s much more waiting there for you.

You’ve been on that side long enough.  You know it well.  You know it so well you will not forget it.  You will bring it with you.

 We all know living on the edge is bad for your health.  Most people think we should crawl back to safety.

You know you must leap out into the unknown.  It’s there just waiting for you.  You hear it calling, I know you do.

You see the water down there.  You see the reflection.  All those faces, that’s all they are.  Just reflections.

Memories of a time you lived through.  Remember those faces; remember you did LIVE through them.  You survived.

 You were afraid, you were sad, you were strong in your weakness.  You lived.  I’m so proud of those things.  You have experienced it

.  You’ve learned; you’ve faced it.  Now you can feel it.  The reflections on the water, they are on the surface down there.

When you dive in, they’re gone  You can’t see them from the other side.  From the underneath it is a beautiful, clear, sunny sky.

 But don’t worry .  Everyone can see the reflections.  And when they lean over the edge to see you dive in

and wonder how you can do that, they see their own reflection among all the others.  They SEE.

You can not hide from your reflection as they can not hide from their reflection. And the water brings a clarity.

 It is a clear vision into each of our souls.  |When you do right, your reflection shows.  And when you do wrong it remains.

They see, they know, they will not forget.  They have to face their own reflection.  You think your memory is so long.

 You think you can not escape your past.  You’re right.  The past is not a hindrance.  It does not now, nor will it ever

block your way to your present or your future.  It will carry you there.  It will boost you up on the shoulders of knowledge.

Forever building higher and higher.  Your memory is not long.  You don’t remember the tears rolling down your face.

 How those tears must make your eyes shine so bright.  Those eyes.  How they’ve shown you so much.  Those eyes,

how they connect right to your heart.  This heart that carries so much weight.  It must be awfully strong by now.

It must be so ready to start feeling all that your eyes have shown it.  How lucky you are.  Those tears that you knew before.

 Before you turned to hang onto the edge.  They are still there.  They fell into the water.  They are there waiting for you.

 They are there to help you and cushion your fall.  That’s why the reflections show in them.  Go to them.  Your hands must be so tired.

 So sore and scarred from hanging onto that edge.  Go find your tears in the water down there.

Dive in. Let go.  Fall.

Okay……. breathe.